BRAVING THE WORLD WITH BETTER BOUNDARIES
4/25/2019
Happy Spring!! It’s finally here and, personally, one of my favorite times of the year. I hope everyone is getting outside in Nebraska to soak in the sun and take care of that vitamin D deficiency we’ve all been suffering from this winter!
A topic that has come up repeatedly in session is the need to set healthy boundaries. A large portion of my client load consists of caretakers, people pleasers, and other people who fit the description of a codependent (see my previous post on the Human Magnet Syndrome for more information on these qualities). In addition to these characteristics, many of them also identify with being an empath, or a person who is highly perceptive to the emotions of others. When these people have a difficulty setting boundaries, they put others’ needs before their own and focus too heavily on fixing emotional discomfort their partners feel. There are always good intentions, but their partner never really learns how to deal with those big emotions (i.e. develop an emotional tolerance).
Empaths are amazing nurturers; rarely do they behave in a self-serving way. However, this often leads them to be taken advantage of by family, friends, or coworkers. Many times their feelings are ignored and their kindness is mistaken for passivity, leaving them to feel like a door mat that everyone gets to walk on.
So, how is a boundary set, you ask? Let me walk you through a simple communication sequence that helps my clients assert themselves and bring some emotional health into their lives.
1.) “I feel (emotion) when you (action) because (how it impacts you).”
Expressing your emotions in relation to the other person’s actions allows the other person to gain empathy (i.e. to understand how their actions have impacted you on a deeper level). Notice in this sentence structure that the emotion is not tied to a personal characteristic—that creates defensiveness and feels like you are attacking who they are. Be specific so they can begin to link your emotional response with that particular behavior, not who they are entirely.
DON’T: “I feel disrespected when you’re lazy because I’ve raised you better than that.”
DO: “I feel disrespected when you do not put your dish away after breakfast because I end up doing it while I’m already running late to work.”
2.) “I would like (expectation).”
These expectations should be observable, measurable, and specific behaviors that you would like to replace the action stated previously. Again, your expectation should not be a characteristic, but rather a specific behavior that can realistically change. A focusing on a characteristic or using negative communication skills will usually result in defensiveness or resistance. Stay calm and state your expectation in a way you’d like to hear it.
DON’T: “I would like you to pay attention a little more to what you’re supposed to do after you eat breakfast.”
DON’T: “I would like you to get your head out of your ass and do what you’re supposed to.”
DO: “I would like you to put your dish in the dishwasher.”
3.) Optional: “If you choose not to, (consequence) will happen.” Or “If you do this, (reward) will happen.”
Some people need this step in order to abide by your boundaries and some may not. Using this step helps the person you are communicating with understand the exact outcome to their actions. This especially helps with teens and kids since their prefrontal cortex, which helps them recognize the consequences to their actions, has not been fully developed yet. Make sure the consequence and reward are specific, reasonable, and time-oriented to help with follow through. If you choose to reward, it is important to steer clear of bribery with material good/candy and use positive reinforcement instead; otherwise, they may feel entitled to their reward with each positive behavior.
DON’T: “If you don’t put away your dishes, you’ll be grounded for the next 5 months!!”
DO: “If you don’t put away your dishes, you cannot play with your friends after school until you put them away.”
DON’T: “If you put away your dishes, you’ll get some candy.”
DO: “If you put your dishes in the dishwasher, I would be so grateful to you."
4.) Repeat steps 1-3 OFTEN. Practice makes perfect.
5.) Model these expectations yourself and be consistent in enforcing the consequence.
I have recognized that many of my clients struggle with the same boundaries being broken over an over. Here are a few relatable boundaries I have heard in session:
"I feel taken advantage of when you ask for money because I struggle financially sometimes too. I would like our relationship to focus on our friendship rather than finances."
"It hurts my feelings when you belittle me in front of your friends. I would like to hear you talk to them about me in the positive way you treat me when we're alone."
"It scares me when you drink several beers a night and drive yourself home because you are important to me. It would really mean a lot to me if you called me to get you or have a car service take you home."
"I feel disconnected from you when we don't touch at all at night. I recognize that is something that helps me feel loved. I would really like some cuddle time or hand holding before we go to bed, even 10 minutes could help."
Clients have asked, “But what happens if it makes my partner mad or causes a bigger conflict?” I usually tell them this, “Them not handling your boundaries well has more to do with them. The people who react the worst to you setting boundaries are usually the ones who benefited the most from you not having them before. They probably won’t like it. Some may throw a temper tantrum or become upset. The response of the person having the boundaries set on them does not dictate whether that boundary is right or wrong, but an indication that they recognize they can no longer take advantage of you like they once had.”
Clients have also told me that having boundaries feels like they are being “mean” to the ones they love and the consequences they give feel like ultimatums. Here is the truth:
Healthy boundaries are never “mean”—they allow you to have a voice in your relationship and the other person learns to thrive emotionally and independently (i.e. develop their emotional tolerance where they can handle scary feelings). Many clients feel that setting a boundary is being harsh because it is not usually how they act, but in reality they are just learning to assert their feelings and expectations. If the person you are setting boundaries with really loves you, they will learn to understand your perspective and love you with the boundaries you have set. If they can’t stand it, they are probably too unhealthy to be in your life.
There is a difference between consequences and ultimatums. Consequences have to do with setting an expectation, allowing that person to abide by that boundary without having control over them, and following through with a stated action “that fits the crime.” They are acting on their own free will and have full understanding of the outcomes, positive or negative. An ultimatum is the use of emotional power and force to get your desired outcome; “my way or the highway” type of thinking in order to control the situation or the actions of others.
Other boundaries that are helpful to learn include the following:
Putting your “needs” before the “wants” of other people. Codependents often perceive the “wants” of others as a necessity and ignore their own basic emotional needs. You own self-care is crucial to becoming the partner, parent, and employee you want to be.
Learn to say “no.” Other people can learn to do things alone, even if it makes them feel emotionally uncomfortable. They will survive and will become stronger, more resilient people because of it.
Recognize what part of the situation you “own” and what part you have taken on from the other person. No person is 100% responsible when emotions or relationships are involved. Speak with a therapist to understand whether your perceptions are being skewed by your past experiences and why you feel the need to take responsibility of those around you.
LET. PEOPLE. FAIL. Let our children fail. Just let them. It hurts to watch and you can often see it coming, but they need to experience that for emotional and personal growth. We all need to fall sometimes to recognize what our strengths actually are, to learn how to conquer our weaknesses, and to better handle them when it happens again.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Learn to recognize and sit with your own negative emotions (i.e. insecurity, fear, anxiety, jealousy, failure, etc.), as well as the negative emotions of those around you. Remind yourself that you can handle those emotions—they will come and go. You do not need to “fix” them and you do not need to ignore them or avoid them. They can just be.
Develop reflective listening skills without problem-solving. Hearing another person vent may send you into “How can I fix it?” mode. You don’t need to fix or problem-solve. Perhaps you can recognize those emotions and reflect their feelings back to them (i.e. “What you’re going through sounds really overwhelming.” Or “I’m sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps.”). This allows you to give them support without taking responsibility for what they have the power to manage just fine on their own. You get to just be there as a good friend, spouse, or parent.
I must admit, I haven’t always been the best about keeping healthy boundaries and I think we all have slip-ups by caring too much. You are still allowed to care for others, but care about yourself too. I think this post is a good place to start in learning how set positive boundaries and become the emotionally healthy people we want to be.
